Preface: NSFW.
This one might get weird, and rambly. That’s the difficulty with writing about things you don’t remember clearly.
What is Gender Dysphoria?
As not everybody reading this might know what gender dysphoria is right off, I’ll try to provide a simple definition. Gender dysphoria is a condition where a person emotionally and psychologically identifies as the opposite of one’s biological sex. E.g.
- A person who is biologically male would identify as female.
- A person who is biologically female would identify as male.
My Experience(s) with Gender Dysphoria
My first Significant Other.
I think some of my first experiences with questioning my biological sex was with my first significant other, who happened to be male. At one point in our relationship we decided to do some “role playing”, in which I would usually have the role of being more feminine and submissive, which included wearing “female” clothing. At the time since it was my first time dating another guy in my mind it reminded me of a heterosexual relationship and it didn’t really bother me. I was rather accepting of being feminine. At the time I just saw it as a way to spice things up a bit, and not as this thing that made me question quite a bit about my life.
My second (male) Significant other.
At the time I was dating my second boyfriend I had been through a Very rough patch in my life, and I just wanted someone who I could depend on. It turned out that he was (also) rather accepting of the idea of me wearing “female” clothing. Though in this relationship it felt less like a kink, and more like wearing clothes. I again was happy to be feminine around someone. At times though I felt a disconnect between what my mind thought, and what my body is. I.e. the fact that I’m very feminine, but am in a male body.
A Real Eye Opening.
One particular relationship I had with a female (who to this day is a good friend) really made me rethink myself. She was more of a tomboy, and my feminine tendencies complimented her tomboy-ishness. This was the first time in my life were I actually seriously considered changing my gender. Though other things at the time hampered that thinking and it wasn’t until I started meditating as a coping method for some serious issues and trauma I was dealing with that I again thought about the topic.
At the time my masculinity was never something that bothered me, nor did the thought of being feminine. Though occasionally (like most people) I did think about the subject.
Loss of Identity and DPDR.
My DPDR (Depersonalization-derealization disorder) led to worsening identity issues (which I still struggle with). For years I’ve merely just dealt with not really knowing “who I am”. Though one moment, for a while, made those years of trauma melt away. A few friends encouraged me to buy some “female” clothing of my own, (as previous female clothing I had worn was typically borrowed). It was a pair of extra long thigh-highs. When they arrived and I put them on, something felt, different. Something felt a bit more complete. This led to the purchase of a garter-belt (to hold the thigh-highs up), and a pleated skater skirt. While at first the purchasing of this new clothing brought me great joy, it didn’t last long. I had started to semi-seriously think about my gender and whether or not I’d want to change it. One day though, out of the blue, a rather nasty panic attack hit me. It felt like being hit by a truck, my mind was racing, with only one thought “this isn’t right, you aren’t the right gender.” and it scared the living shit out of me. Since then I’ve had two similar panic attacks.
Feeling Uncomfortable in Your Own Skin
The worst thing to happen after feeling like you’ve finally grasped your identity and gaining a positive body image…is loosing that sense of identity all over again. Sometimes I feel “fine”, and don’t really question my gender, and sometimes I feel like curling up in a ball and tuning out everything because the anxiety induced by gender dysphoria is so strong.