It’s been years since I’ve tried to publish anything on this blog, a few pieces always sat in my drafts, forever unpublished. I suppose this marks yet another attempt to publish something. A part of the reason I think other pieces sat as drafts is because I either couldn’t articulate what I was feeling in writing, or I just didn’t need the blog anymore. Maybe I need this blog again, during these horrid times. Read more

You’ve never really been comfortable here, why stay? This thought sometimes enters your mind, reminding you that where you are doesn’t feel like where you’re meant to be. Had someone asked you 6 months ago where you’d rather be, your answer would be “Washington”, and you’d say it with a big smile on your face. Thing change though, people too, and it seems it wasn’t meant to be. Now if somebody asked you, you might answer with “Canada” or “England”. Read more

In past posts where I wrote about sex and the horrible truamatic epxeriences and thoughts that followed it, I often expressed a great deal of dread and anxiety. Usually while writing them I was in a panic, my mind racing at incredible speeds. I now write with a steady hand, and a calm, clear mind. Casual sex can be great, it can allow you to relieve pent up desires, to be intimate with another person, to bond even more with someone else. Read more

I feel like maintaing hope is analogous to maintaining the light in a lighthouse. I try to maintain hope to feel like I’ve accomplished something, or to keep optimistic. I don’t maintain hope solely for myself though, I do it for others, so that in dark times they may see as a guiding light. A reason not to give up quite yet, and to carry on. Sometimes I do maintain hope for selfish reasons though, hoping for something to happen, or for someone to come back when I know it won’t happen. Read more

My experience with DPDR is only that now, an experience. While it has shaped who I am, I wouldn’t say it dominates my life. What does dominate my life is the fact that I’m still in the closet about being trans (MtF). The only people who really know are typically close friends, and it’s not for a lack of support. My parents would most likely totally support me, it’s more-so crippling anxiety. Read more

DPDR used to be something that weighed me down, but after 6 or so years of struggling to understand how I could possibly deal with it, It surprisingly became less and less bothersome seemingly on its own. This isn’t to say I haven’t learned quite a bit along the way, but at the same time it didn’t feel like I was actively trying to get rid of my DP. I think learning mindfulness was a big part of the recovery process for me. Read more

I’ve been emotionally exhausted for quite a while. After being seemingly ghosted by my most recent partner, I just don’t feel anything. Sure for a while I did feel sad and such, but, now I just feel tired. I suppose going from one relationship to the next has grown old. I’d rather cherish strong meaningful friendships at the moment. I really have no incentive to jump head-first into yet another relationship. Read more

Cesc has my heart, but I feel we’re too different. The first major difference between us I can think of is that Cesc wants kids and I really don’t, I guess another thing that has perturbed me before about Cesc is that they’ve told me I’m not feminine in appearance enough, which while sadly true, still felt hurtful. I can’t blame someone for having preferences though. I guess I’m just love-sick. Read more

Sometimes depersonalization makes me feel like I’m no more than background noise. The sense of detatchment from my surroundings socially, but not physically leads to me observing quite a bit instead of interacting. I think this may be part of the reason I enjoy “people watching” so much, (walking around and just observing people) because it gives me an opportunity to just forget I exist. While Sometimes it’s blissful to feel like unimportant background noise, at other times it’s crippling. Read more

More than a month later I know recognize how foolish my initial panic was when it came to what happened with Ace, though perhaps not entirely preventable. It reminds me of years ago when I was much younger and how I’d over-dramatically panic in reaction to something upsetting. While there is a small amout of regret for the actions I took, it’s ultimately not the end of the world. I think sometimes we need to remind ourselves that even when something truamatic happens and it feels as though everything comes to a crashing halt, the world around you is still going on just as it always has, and will. Read more