Preface
This post heavily depends on you having read the previous. post.
Escapism
I’ve always felt like I was missing something, and for the longest while I’ve tried to fill that void with intimacy, or sex. Perhaps recklessly so, regardless I’ve had a string of partners, Some good, some bad, and some just selfish attempts to forget. Though sometimes trying to forget has just led to deepening my scars. While I’ve changed quite a bit over the years, I still find myself trying to fill that empty void. Escapism is a dangerous rabbit-hole that is hard to crawl back out of.
Lust
I’ve tried to senselessly fuck the pain away many times, flinging myself towards whoever was willing. Obviously though sex is only a temporary relief from my real problems. Nonetheless I now find myself in a bit of an odd position. I had sex with Ace, it was quite the traumatic experience, yet I find myself wanting to masochistically fling myself back at him. Whenever I think about him I feel nauseous, and I begin to derealize a bit. My mind not wanting me to relive what happened before, yet at the same time wanting to do it again.
Ace
I suppose my relationship with Ace is kinda, “complex” now. At first Ace and I were just close friends. Previously I had told Ace I had feelings for him, but he he didn’t feel the same about me, so it never went anywhere. Though as time went on Ace began to question himself more and had come to a point where he felt as though he had feelings for me, but he wasn’t completely sure. What happened next was a few days of cuddling, kissing, and general messing around. Then as soon as it had started and I had flung myself head-first into senseless passion, it seemingly ended. Now I find myself selfishly craving more. I guess I’m back where I started, just close friends, and feeling a bit dejected over Ace’s lack of interest in me.