DPDR used to be something that weighed me down, but after 6 or so years of struggling to understand how I could possibly deal with it, It surprisingly became less and less bothersome seemingly on its own. This isn’t to say I haven’t learned quite a bit along the way, but at the same time it didn’t feel like I was actively trying to get rid of my DP. I think learning mindfulness was a big part of the recovery process for me. Read more

Sometimes depersonalization makes me feel like I’m no more than background noise. The sense of detatchment from my surroundings socially, but not physically leads to me observing quite a bit instead of interacting. I think this may be part of the reason I enjoy “people watching” so much, (walking around and just observing people) because it gives me an opportunity to just forget I exist. While Sometimes it’s blissful to feel like unimportant background noise, at other times it’s crippling. Read more

More than a month later I know recognize how foolish my initial panic was when it came to what happened with Ace, though perhaps not entirely preventable. It reminds me of years ago when I was much younger and how I’d over-dramatically panic in reaction to something upsetting. While there is a small amout of regret for the actions I took, it’s ultimately not the end of the world. I think sometimes we need to remind ourselves that even when something truamatic happens and it feels as though everything comes to a crashing halt, the world around you is still going on just as it always has, and will. Read more

I was foolish…oh so foolish, to think nothing would come of that week with Ace. To think I’d just walk away scot-free was laughable, I’m far too fragile for that to have been the outcome. Now I can’t even say sorry and explain why. I let Ace think he wouldn’t hurt me, I let him think things would change, and maybe they haven’t, and maybe I’ve just been overreacting to all of this. Read more

Preface This post heavily depends on you having read the previous. post. Escapism I’ve always felt like I was missing something, and for the longest while I’ve tried to fill that void with intimacy, or sex. Perhaps recklessly so, regardless I’ve had a string of partners, Some good, some bad, and some just selfish attempts to forget. Though sometimes trying to forget has just led to deepening my scars. While I’ve changed quite a bit over the years, I still find myself trying to fill that empty void. Read more

Preface So, I guess this one is going to be a heavy one, or perhaps I just think I’m going to be deep. I had a sexual experience for the first time in a while, though this time it was accompanied by a horrifyingly heavy bout of dissociation. During and after sex I was thrown into a horribly uncomfortable detachment from “myself”. To make things easier (and for privacy), I’ll refer to the friend I had sex with as “Ace”. Read more

A bit of Preface For years, I’ve always struggled to put into words, what exactly DPDR made me feel. Then, I stumbled upon a post on r/dpdr that for the most part, put it into words, perfectly, this post was written by u/lunar_limbo. The Train That Hit Me I have always held great empathy. To the point I would be overcome by others stories. I would live them. This, the first thing after the preface, tugged at my heart strings right away. Read more

Depersonalization and being Transgender. A lack of identity, and feeling psychically disconnected from my body, combined with a sense of being born the wrong gender presents an interesting mix of feelings, or lack thereof. Normally one would expect a transgender person to be unhappy with their birth sex, and yes, while I’m generally dissatisfied being in a male body, over the years the feeling that I’m “connected” with my physical body has more or less eroded away. Read more

Identity, and Names A beautiful quote form a Disqus Blog post. In fact I find the quote quite aptly describes me. For example, I detest my birth name. While people I know in real life use it, when online friends refer to me by my online pseudonym, for some reason I find it less jarring. If I had to guess, the reason for this is because the majority of friends I’ve made throughout my life, have been online, so my sense of identity online strengthened while I dissociated from my real identity more and more. Read more