I was foolish…oh so foolish, to think nothing would come of that week with Ace. To think I’d just walk away scot-free was laughable, I’m far too fragile for that to have been the outcome. Now I can’t even say sorry and explain why. I let Ace think he wouldn’t hurt me, I let him think things would change, and maybe they haven’t, and maybe I’ve just been overreacting to all of this.
Regret
At the time I had reassured Ace nothing would change and that he wouldn’t hurt me, in hindsight that was a grave mistake. Now I’m having flashbacks, daydreaming, having panic attacks, and generally overthinking about the whole thing. I know it’s just my mind trying to process everything that happened, but it’s hard to not feel like it was something that could’ve been easily avoided. I’m sorry I’ve been rambling about this whole thing for a total of 3 posts, but that’s how much this has been getting to me. It’s something that is constantly on my mind. I have no reason to apologize to Ace, I really owe no one an apology besides myself.
Apologies
I’ve mentioned being sorry and wanting to apologize a few times throughout this post without really providing propper context first. What initially brought on this panic attack and subsuquent rambling post was a simple few words.
I’m really sorry, for everything.
I typed it without even thinking really, something deep inside me just knew to type the words. Ace of course, asked what I was sorry about, reading his reply released a torrent of emotions. The ensuing flood of emotions and thoughts caused me to sieze up. I wanted so desperately to tell him why…but I just ended up just backing out.
Nvm–I wasn’t in the right frame of mind when I typed that.
At that point I was dealing with a full blown panic attack and didn’t really take in much of what Ace had said after that. I ended up just going to bed, hoping to sleep off the panic attack.