Preface
This is going to be another post that just rambles.
A bit of context
I prefer, most of the time, to not have my personal space violated, I’d assume this is the norm among the majority of people. For me it stems from trust issues that I’ve had for quite a while now. I won’t scream or pitch a fight if my personal space is violated, rather I try to tell the person who violated it not to make the same mistake again. For a while though my anxiousness around being physical with people was a tad extreme, for example, I was not fond of shaking hands of acquaintances, not only because my hand-shaking skills are poor, but my lack of willingness to trust people.
Trust issues
My trust issues go back years, mostly due to failed relationships and being betrayed or abandoned by close friends. One example is a past relationship in which my partner was verbally and psychologically abusive, and quite often drunk.
Abuse and Trust issues
Going into the relationship the individual was comforting and caring, as I had just come down from a rough breakup. The first snag in the road came when she attempted to convert me to Christianity, I tried, mostly for her, but I, being agnostic (I believe god(s) might exist, but choose to not follow any) never quite could get myself to believe any of it. This caused her to become very violent and start to verbally abuse me, I stood up for myself and didn’t back down and eventually she accepted the fact (or just backed down) that I wasn’t religious. After the argument I began to seriously reconsider if I wanted a relationship with a person who could be so brutal, thought at the time I just let it slip. We continued to squabble and occasionally quip (over things I can’t remember). After a number of breakups and makeups I decided to just end it for good. We both were quite damaged people who weren’t very compatible.
Sometime after this she ended up meeting a close friend of mine, and more or less tried to use my friend as bait to get me back in a relationship. This friend was (and still is) like a daughter to me, so I wasn’t having any of this. After some heated arguments and spectacular spectacles of bullshit, my friend ended up going offline for a while (months…possible 3+). This was the final nail in the coffin to solidify my distrust of her. Not only verbally and psychologically abusing me, but actively trying to rip apart my social life. I took my final stand against her bullshit, and more-or-less gave her a taste of her of medicine, while I’m not proud of this, it certainly sent the message to back off.
Divorcing psychical intimacy and romance/sexuality
After that relationship I developed a bit of a “hardened” outer shell as a reaction to the trauma I had gone through (much more then I detailed in this post). I became very picky about who in general had physical contact with me. This also did lead me to decouple the idea of psychical intimacy and romantic implications, in that things traditionally thought of to have a sexual/romantic implication, were just, normal. E.g. if I decide to cuddle someone, there’s no inherent sexual or emotional connotation implied. While I typically only cuddle people who I trust, I don’t see any sexual or romantic connotation in doing so.
Physical contact
This section will probably mostly be a list. Firstly, a list of okay things to do, a general baseline.
- Shake my hand
- High five
- Pat my shoulder (this one REALLY depends on who you are though)
Things that are okay to do, if I trust you enough (kinda on varying levels).
- Hug me
- Cuddle
- Lean against
- poke me
- stroke my hair
- Massage a majority of my body
I could list more, but to be honest I think it’s a pretty typical set of things. The difference being, I get quite defensive when someone breaks my trust and touches me in a way I don’t like. I don’t freak out or scream, but I generally am very stern with the person and make it quite clear that wasn’t okay.
Summary
Don’t break my trust by touching me in a way I don’t like, I’ll be continuing this post possibly into a second part.