I was foolish…oh so foolish, to think nothing would come of that week with Ace. To think I’d just walk away scot-free was laughable, I’m far too fragile for that to have been the outcome. Now I can’t even say sorry and explain why. I let Ace think he wouldn’t hurt me, I let him think things would change, and maybe they haven’t, and maybe I’ve just been overreacting to all of this. Read more

Preface This post heavily depends on you having read the previous. post. Escapism I’ve always felt like I was missing something, and for the longest while I’ve tried to fill that void with intimacy, or sex. Perhaps recklessly so, regardless I’ve had a string of partners, Some good, some bad, and some just selfish attempts to forget. Though sometimes trying to forget has just led to deepening my scars. While I’ve changed quite a bit over the years, I still find myself trying to fill that empty void. Read more

Preface So, I guess this one is going to be a heavy one, or perhaps I just think I’m going to be deep. I had a sexual experience for the first time in a while, though this time it was accompanied by a horrifyingly heavy bout of dissociation. During and after sex I was thrown into a horribly uncomfortable detachment from “myself”. To make things easier (and for privacy), I’ll refer to the friend I had sex with as “Ace”. Read more

A Curse and a Blessing For me, racing thoughts are a double edged sword. On one hand, it allows for fast reaction time, but it also never really stops. My thoughts are like a train without breaks. Until I hit the bed and pass out, it doesn’t stop. Like many things, I’ve grown somewhat accustom to it. Another downside of having racing thoughts is that when I think about something negative, my brain often latches on and won’t let go of the thought. Read more

A bit of Preface For years, I’ve always struggled to put into words, what exactly DPDR made me feel. Then, I stumbled upon a post on r/dpdr that for the most part, put it into words, perfectly, this post was written by u/lunar_limbo. The Train That Hit Me I have always held great empathy. To the point I would be overcome by others stories. I would live them. This, the first thing after the preface, tugged at my heart strings right away. Read more

Hey Sorry I went on a huge hiatus, to anyone who was reading and expected a normal flow of content, it must’ve been quite the smack in the face. I’ll try to get back to regular content.

Depersonalization and being Transgender. A lack of identity, and feeling psychically disconnected from my body, combined with a sense of being born the wrong gender presents an interesting mix of feelings, or lack thereof. Normally one would expect a transgender person to be unhappy with their birth sex, and yes, while I’m generally dissatisfied being in a male body, over the years the feeling that I’m “connected” with my physical body has more or less eroded away. Read more

A bit of a problem Anyone who’s read any of my previous posts will know that I’m dissatisfied with my gender. There are some aspects of being a male that don’t appeal to me personally. As a possible solution, I’ve thought about hormone therapy as an avenue to resolving my gender dysphoria. This is a difficult decision to make, not so much because I don’t want to do it, but rather the heavy and permanent consequences associated with it. Read more

Preface This is a continuation of a previous post, wherein we talked about trust. Information I’m less trusting then I’d honestly like to admit. While I feel I can tell certain close friends some things, I feel as though I can’t tell them other things. Mostly do to feeling self conscious, or not wanting them to find something out about me. There are a fair few people even in my inner circle of friends who I would not tell that this blog exists. Read more

Limbo For the past few days I’ve found myself in a sort of uncomfortable limbo, stuck between the want to abandon a gender which offers me little comfort, and identity I have no connection to, or to stick with my current gender in fear of the social stigmas I may face. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, uncertain what to do. Trapped Ironically, it’s not my sexual organs that bring my discomfort when it comes to my gender. Read more