I feel like maintaing hope is analogous to maintaining the light in a lighthouse. I try to maintain hope to feel like I’ve accomplished something, or to keep optimistic. I don’t maintain hope solely for myself though, I do it for others, so that in dark times they may see as a guiding light. A reason not to give up quite yet, and to carry on. Sometimes I do maintain hope for selfish reasons though, hoping for something to happen, or for someone to come back when I know it won’t happen. Read more

More than a month later I know recognize how foolish my initial panic was when it came to what happened with Ace, though perhaps not entirely preventable. It reminds me of years ago when I was much younger and how I’d over-dramatically panic in reaction to something upsetting. While there is a small amout of regret for the actions I took, it’s ultimately not the end of the world. I think sometimes we need to remind ourselves that even when something truamatic happens and it feels as though everything comes to a crashing halt, the world around you is still going on just as it always has, and will. Read more

I was foolish…oh so foolish, to think nothing would come of that week with Ace. To think I’d just walk away scot-free was laughable, I’m far too fragile for that to have been the outcome. Now I can’t even say sorry and explain why. I let Ace think he wouldn’t hurt me, I let him think things would change, and maybe they haven’t, and maybe I’ve just been overreacting to all of this. Read more

Preface This post heavily depends on you having read the previous. post. Escapism I’ve always felt like I was missing something, and for the longest while I’ve tried to fill that void with intimacy, or sex. Perhaps recklessly so, regardless I’ve had a string of partners, Some good, some bad, and some just selfish attempts to forget. Though sometimes trying to forget has just led to deepening my scars. While I’ve changed quite a bit over the years, I still find myself trying to fill that empty void. Read more

Preface So, I guess this one is going to be a heavy one, or perhaps I just think I’m going to be deep. I had a sexual experience for the first time in a while, though this time it was accompanied by a horrifyingly heavy bout of dissociation. During and after sex I was thrown into a horribly uncomfortable detachment from “myself”. To make things easier (and for privacy), I’ll refer to the friend I had sex with as “Ace”. Read more