In past posts where I wrote about sex and the horrible truamatic epxeriences and thoughts that followed it, I often expressed a great deal of dread and anxiety. Usually while writing them I was in a panic, my mind racing at incredible speeds. I now write with a steady hand, and a calm, clear mind. Casual sex can be great, it can allow you to relieve pent up desires, to be intimate with another person, to bond even more with someone else. Read more

Preface This post heavily depends on you having read the previous. post. Escapism I’ve always felt like I was missing something, and for the longest while I’ve tried to fill that void with intimacy, or sex. Perhaps recklessly so, regardless I’ve had a string of partners, Some good, some bad, and some just selfish attempts to forget. Though sometimes trying to forget has just led to deepening my scars. While I’ve changed quite a bit over the years, I still find myself trying to fill that empty void. Read more

Preface So, I guess this one is going to be a heavy one, or perhaps I just think I’m going to be deep. I had a sexual experience for the first time in a while, though this time it was accompanied by a horrifyingly heavy bout of dissociation. During and after sex I was thrown into a horribly uncomfortable detachment from “myself”. To make things easier (and for privacy), I’ll refer to the friend I had sex with as “Ace”. Read more

A bit of Preface For years, I’ve always struggled to put into words, what exactly DPDR made me feel. Then, I stumbled upon a post on r/dpdr that for the most part, put it into words, perfectly, this post was written by u/lunar_limbo. The Train That Hit Me I have always held great empathy. To the point I would be overcome by others stories. I would live them. This, the first thing after the preface, tugged at my heart strings right away. Read more

Depersonalization and being Transgender. A lack of identity, and feeling psychically disconnected from my body, combined with a sense of being born the wrong gender presents an interesting mix of feelings, or lack thereof. Normally one would expect a transgender person to be unhappy with their birth sex, and yes, while I’m generally dissatisfied being in a male body, over the years the feeling that I’m “connected” with my physical body has more or less eroded away. Read more

A bit of a problem Anyone who’s read any of my previous posts will know that I’m dissatisfied with my gender. There are some aspects of being a male that don’t appeal to me personally. As a possible solution, I’ve thought about hormone therapy as an avenue to resolving my gender dysphoria. This is a difficult decision to make, not so much because I don’t want to do it, but rather the heavy and permanent consequences associated with it. Read more

Identity, and Names A beautiful quote form a Disqus Blog post. In fact I find the quote quite aptly describes me. For example, I detest my birth name. While people I know in real life use it, when online friends refer to me by my online pseudonym, for some reason I find it less jarring. If I had to guess, the reason for this is because the majority of friends I’ve made throughout my life, have been online, so my sense of identity online strengthened while I dissociated from my real identity more and more. Read more

Preface: NSFW. This one might get weird, and rambly. That’s the difficulty with writing about things you don’t remember clearly. What is Gender Dysphoria? As not everybody reading this might know what gender dysphoria is right off, I’ll try to provide a simple definition. Gender dysphoria is a condition where a person emotionally and psychologically identifies as the opposite of one’s biological sex. E.g. A person who is biologically male would identify as female. Read more